Last night I “live-tweeted” the movie Valley Girl (1983), starring Nicolas Cage and Deborah Foreman, as I watched it in full for the first time (on DVD). I really enjoyed the movie, and had fun tweeting along with it.

Here’s what came out, unedited:

22:34:51 Watching “Valley Girl”. I know, I’m like, such a fad whore. #grody
22:36:00 bitchin
22:36:42 totally
22:39:02 Nic Cage’s chest hair is in the shape of a Nerf boomerang. I don’t remember that fad. #ValleyGirl
22:39:22 gross me out
22:39:42 I’m so sure!
22:41:40 Wow, what’s Twitter got against “get real”? I tried to post that twice. Totally not bitchin, Twitter. Get real!
22:44:51 The music at this Valley Girl party is nearly inaudible. I get a real sense of what it’s like to be a dancing extra in a movie.
22:45:32 He’s such a total pukeoid…
22:46:31 Freak me out, freak me out, it’s him!
22:49:03 I may be live-tweeting Valley Girl for the next little while, in case you haven’t gathered. I’ll stop if you donate $10K to Japan relief.
22:49:58 “Like, it’s sushi, don’t you know?” I shit you not that line was said within 30 seconds of my last tweet.
22:52:59 Nic the Nerf boomerang-chested just spotted our Valley Girl. Maybe this party doesn’t suck so bad after all, say his eyebrows…
22:53:32 He saw her earlier on the beach, but she didn’t recognize him without his Nerf boomerang chest hair out.
22:54:49 Tommy, the coolest asshole in school, just got Valley G’s BFF to betray her, then shit on her. (Not literally…this was the 80’s, folks.)
22:56:57 I guess they were able to get DVD rights for “Electric Avenue”, because that was cranked up nice at the party.

Nerf-chested Nic and Valley G
Nerf-chest Nic and Valley G

22:57:53 (Nerf-chest Nic is heading back to the party to re-fight asshole Tommy.)
23:03:13 Nic used the old hide-in-the-bathroom gambit to bypass Tommy-fighting and romance Valley G.
23:04:33 I am simply gonna freak out and die!
23:05:00 Like I’ll be totally bummed out if anyone outside this car finds out about this!
23:07:03 “Hey Harvey! I thought you were gonna get the mohawk!” “Nah, I pussed out.”
23:08:05 Nic, his punk friends, and Valley G and her high-strung friend are cruising the streets in the convertible.
23:08:30 Just one punk friend, sorry.
23:09:28 Reminder: I’m live-tweeting Valley Girl; donate $10 to Japan relief efforts and I’ll stop immediately.
23:10:13 Oh my God, like don’t you have a straw? Totally out of touch with civilization.
23:11:16 In the punk club. Valley G and tight-wound are looking down their noses at Nic’s “home away from home” crowd.
23:11:48 Nic: “that techno rock you guys listen to is gutless!” Valley G: “I’m sure!”
23:12:43 “You’re like her! And all the rest of her friends! You’re all fucking programmed.” -Nic #ValleyGirl
23:15:51 Valley G’s starting to melt. “It’s like I can’t explain it, you know. It’s like my brains won’t stop going! You know?”
23:16:38 They kiss.
23:18:22 Now out at make-out point. Even tight-wound friend Stacey is letting the veil down, if you get my meaning.
23:19:45 OK, actually, Stacey is freaking out that all this punk love is going to keep her out of college or something. Time to go home.
23:22:21 Oh snap. Les Nessman teaching driver’s ed!
23:23:56 Les has a bushy beard and mustache; I almost missed him. (I was transfixed by Valley G trying to hide her punk adventure from friends.)
23:25:17 Graduate reference: “plastics”
23:27:10 Valley Girl’s parents are too hippie…that’s why she’s so wound up. Rebelling against rebels makes you ultra-straight.
23:28:17 Nic shows up at Valley G’s family health food place. “Oh my God – I’m gonna die!…I’m humiliated to the max!”
23:30:23 That may be a devil’s head with horns in Nic’s chest hair, not a Nerf boomerang. Still gathering data.
23:31:39 Dating montage: Nic and Valley G go on several dates, to the tune of “I’ll Melt With You” (what else?)
23:32:18 The future’s open wide for these two star-crossed lovers. #ValleyGirl
23:33:16 Oh shit…asshole Tommy spies the ice-cream eating lovers at the Mall. That can’t be good.
23:34:25 I knew it. Now he’s in the hall at school, asking questions. And valley G’s friends aren’t backing her up. Crap…just when they had it all!
23:35:40 Tired of my Valley Girl live-tweeting? Just donate $10K to Japan relief and I’ll stop. (Or unfollow, but not that. The other one.)
23:39:26 Right after dissing Valley G along with Tommy, the friends are bopping around with her like all’s fine.
23:39:59 I don’t like this…despite the fact that 4 women are jumping around in their undies.
23:40:38 this one is so tubular
23:41:34 like splurge and purge…you know, like scarf and barf
23:42:57 Valley G re: Tommy: “Fuck him!” Friends respond with shocked awe. What’s gotten into her?
23:43:49 like, not too cool, alright Peggy? (stupid little sisters!)
23:45:02 The friends are laying the stakes out: Stick with Nic and social ostracism will enfold you, Valley G!
23:46:41 “I heard there’s something really grody about the air in Hollywood, and the guys only grow to be like that big!”
23:47:33 Subtext: I’m sorry I screwed Tommy, Valley G, but this punk side of you is freaking me out, and if I lose you, I’ll hate myself even more!
23:49:46 The delivery boy is about to take the leap as an early Desperate Housewives character prototype. (remember “plastics”?)
23:51:25 “Everybody think’s Tommy’s so tubular and all, you know?” Valley G’s backstabbing friend does not think for herself much.
23:52:12 delivery boy made it to cougar town
23:54:06 Valley G’s friends won’t say anything useful, so she’s going where all the 80’s girls (and Juno) go for the straight skinny: Dad.
23:55:43 Cliff Notes on Dad’s speech: “Fuck conformity.”
23:58:17 Valley G is seriously feeling the pressure. Her grody friends are totally muscling her back to Tommy.
23:59:29 Nerf-chest is out; asshole Tommy is back in. But…but…it can’t end this way! She’s supposed to be with Nic!
00:00:38 Nic is so dreamy-eyed, so oblivious. One heart-broken punk, coming up.
00:01:38 “I know what this is – it’s your fucking friends, right?”
00:02:26 Drunken street Nic doesn’t give a fuck. His words.
00:05:05 Back in his home away from home punk club, Nic now seems lost and out of his element. He’s dressed in a suit. He can’t conjure up the punk.
00:05:48 He does manage to conjure up his old flame’s boobs though.
00:07:14 He looks out at the club crowd: “How did I ever think this was important? It’s nothing without Valley G.”
00:09:58 Punk friends are different. They pull you up to your feet in the alley and tell you to go win the Valley Girl back.
00:11:37 Nic’s omnipresent goofy romantic gestures montage.
00:13:14 Is it that punk friends tell you to go win her back and high school friends back stab you, or is it just a boys vs girls thing?
00:14:54 Prom night. 15 minutes on the clock. Shit is about to get tubular.
00:16:22 Asshole Tommy is in ridiculous cream and pink, with a pink limo. The coolest kids in school did that apparently at some point.
00:17:21 Valley G’s parents are going to roast a couple to deal with the stress of their little baby being all grown up.
00:18:30 Nic and his punk buddy are going to crash the prom. Don’t worry! Punk buddy has a plan.
00:20:40 A Pat Benatar knock-off is singing “School Is In”.
00:22:22 Indian wrestling with the boys or something totally grody like that
00:23:17 If asshole Tommy tries to kiss Valley G one more time, Nerf-chest Nic is going to explode.
00:24:26 “The moment that you’ve all been waiting for: the announcement of the King and Queen of Valley High.”
00:25:29 Asshole Tommy and Nerf-chest are fighting backstage. Tommy’s kung-fu showboating vs Nic’s street punching.
00:26:13 FOOD FIGHT!
00:27:42 The food fight provides cover, and Nic and Valley G rush away in the limo!
00:28:45 Valley G takes off her bracelet (from Asshole Tommy I guess) and throws it out the window.
00:29:12 Subtext: I’m totally going to have sex with you at the hotel, Nerf-chest Nic.
00:30:25 The End.

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