We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming, “The World’s Largest To-Do List, Part II: The Mind Mappening” to bring you this live report from a special press conference, being held by notorious procrastinator Lance Brown:
This is Chas Chasely, and I’m here with several other reporters outside a small cabin in Grass Valley California, where world-class procrastinator Lance Brown is expected to announce—ooh, he’s coming out! It looks like we’re about to start…
Lance Brown: Thank you for coming. I believe you’ve all been briefed as to the nature of this, so I’ll just get right to it: I’m finally ready to mail out Christmas presents to my family members. They will be going out via FedEx this afternoon. I know it’s been a long wai–
Reporter: I’m sorry, just to clarify: you mean you’re sending out your 2010 Christmas presents in March? 9 months early?
Brown: No, my 2009 Christmas presents. I’m sending out my 2009 presents—only 3 months late. Less, actually.
Reporter: And you’re what, proud of this?
Brown: Well, I’m glad about it, let’s put it that way. I mean, in 2008, I never sent them out at—um, let’s just say, this is better than it was last year. Next question?
Chas Chasely: Mr. Brown, Chas Chasely here. I think what our listeners want to know is, why did it take you so long to get the presents out?
Brown: There were a lot of extenuating factors; for one thing, I have 4 nieces and nephews, in two different locations on the the other side of the country.
Reporter: I have 9 nieces and nephews, in 4 different locations–two of which are international. And I get their presents out in time.
Brown: Well it’s complicated, because there’s a boy and girl at each place, and they are just over a year apart, and I have to try and balance out the gifts–
Chas Chasely: Excuse me, Mr. Brown, but don’t lots of people have to deal with the same factors in buying things for their young relatives?
Brown: I suppose so…but see, I have a lot of pets in my house, so I had to keep the presents covered most of the time, and it was really hard to find a clean space to lay out and wrap the presents without them getting all cat-hairy or dog-muddy.
Reporter: That sounds kind of weak…
Brown: There’s also money. My on-hand money tends to fluctuate, so it wasn’t until late in the season that I was able to start buying gifts.
Chas Chasely: You know, when I’ve been low on money, I made hand-made gifts from the heart–people actually tended to like those even more than bought gifts.
Brown: OK FINE! I don’t know why it takes me so long to get presents out!! Is that what you want to hear? It’s been that way for a long time. Clearly I have some bad habits, and my tendency toward procrastination is well known. But the point is, they are going out. I made it through all the various steps and logistics, I got tons of presents for 4 niephews, 2 siblings, and 1 parent, I got them all wrapped and labeled, and now…oh. Wait a minute. Does anyone have any good shipping boxes I can borrow?