As I write this, I’m swooning in my seat, practically feigning consciousness. I’m happy, I think, but I’m also blown out like a wind-whipped umbrella (and just about as useful).

Is it love, you wonder? Has yon Lance been prick’d by Cupid’s thorny arrow, and nary a month too early (because surely ye know the day of love approacheth)?

Well…kinda. You see, there’s this word. Let’s call her “Y” (she’s shy)…and oh baby, is she the bee’s knees! (Yes, she is.) I mean, people come up to me, and they’ll be like, “Hey Lance, whatchoo think, you wanna…?” And all the sudden, here she comes, my little “Y” lady, strolling on out like she owns the place. And I think you know what happens next. Suddenly, everybody’s noddin’ their heads, and then next thing you know, I’m noddin’ my own head, and we’re all just smilin’ up a storm, noddin’ our heads like there’s no tomorrow, and then before you know it, we’re off doing whatever it was that guy started asking me if I wanted to do.

Oh Yes, not again!

Well there, now I’ve gone and said her name. It’s alright, I guess, she don’t mind so much…it’s me, really. I get scared—well, not scared, I don’t get scared, but you know—of what’ll happen if everyone knows I’m going around everywhere with Yes. Because you know how that goes. All the sudden everybody’s noddin’, and then I’m noddin’, and…

But man, does she make my bacon crackle! (Yes!) Sometimes, just for Yes, I’ll go night after night on 5 hours sleep, pushing myself to my limits and beyond. To the point where (for example) I’m swooning in my seat, practically feigning consciousness. Blown out like, I don’t know, some sort of umbrella. And I still have that something-simple-something column to write…

Do I love her…maybe a little too much? Yes? Yes. Will I do it again? Yes. Is it healthy? N… (Ahem.) N-…


This column is featured in The Simplifier #5.1.